My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question

Peach asks: "The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with me. I laughed and told him sarcastically why not but I was joking too and I thought he knew that. Now he won't stop talking about it, asking me if I find this woman or that woman attractive and so forth. I have no idea how to tell him it's never gonna happen now. Help?"

Bonny's answer: You've run up against a definite difference between how men and women communicate. Without getting too stereotypical, let me say that when most men 'joke' about a threesome, they aren't joking. They're feeling the waters to see if you're able, willing and/or interested.

This isn't to say that every guy wants a threesome with his girlfriend or partner. Some do, some don't. Some just like the idea that they might have one, or want to fantasize with their lover about the possibility. So if he's truly joking around and has no intention of trying to make the idea a reality, I'd say have some fun and play along. He knows that the majority of heterosexual women aren't into threesomes; he just wants you to support his fantasy.

Having said that, your guy has started to take further steps towards making the dream a reality. If you're truly not interested at all in sharing him sexually with another woman, then it's time for some firmness. There's no beating around the bush here. The next time he brings up anything threesome-related, let him know in no uncertain terms you're not interested. Pause, look him in the eye, maybe even touch his arm gently, and say, "I know you're really excited about the idea of a threesome, but nothing in this world could convince me it's something I want. I don't mind hearing about your fantasies or even getting a bit playful with them, but a threesome will never be anything but imaginary for me." Cater the words to suit your personality and situation, but make the message the same. He'll stop asking you or pushing for answers, even if he doesn't stop thinking about it.

What say you, dear readers? What would you say if you were Peaches? Have you been in this, or a similar situation? What did you do?

Related: Male / Female Sexual Desires and the 'Threesome', All About Sexual Fantasy, Get Dating Help, Couples Communication Quiz.

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Online Dating Services - First Date

Traditional Dating and Internet Dating - The Pros and Cons

Can You Predict Cheating?

A study titled, "Premarital Precursors of Marital Infidelity" discusses what behaviors a dating or engaged couple would be more likely to exhibit while still dating, so as to predict their potential for infidelity when married.

The study tested over 70 couples in the first year of marriage, using behaviors exhibited before marriage to demonstrate how likely cheating might occur. Men and women responded quite differently in the study. The men who cheated were more likely to: ... feel negated and/or invalidated by their female partners;... be dissatisfied sexually; and... offer significantly less positive reinforcement to their partner as compared to the non-cheating control group.The women who cheated in the study were more likely to: ... also offer significantly less positive reinforcement to their partner as compared to the non-cheating control group;... feel nullified both towards their partner and by their partner; and... both be the target of and speak to their partner using significantly more negative communication tactics than the non-cheating control group.

The results of this study tie nicely into a book called, "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," by Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny (Compare Prices). The title may lead you to believe that its contents are more suited towards married couples than those still dating, but the advice given throughout the book offers just as much useful information to those in long term relationships. The book explains how to avoid the issues that the predicting infidelity study points out, in ways that are unique, well explained and informative (although some are far from easy).

But, what do you think? Can a study predict cheating in long term relationships? Do you find the answers given by the study participants accurate, based on your own dating and relationship experiences?

References: Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Williams, T., & Melton, J. (2008). Premarital precursors of marital infidelity. Family Process, 47(2), 243-259'

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Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated?

An overheard conversation about a magazine article got me thinking the other day about cheating and betrayal in dating relationships. Specifically, an article that a friend of a friend recently read stated that one of the newest dating rules was that you didn't tell your partner if you'd cheated, as it would only add to the pain on both sides. Rather, the article suggested (as told to me second hand), if you were remorseful for your actions and knew you'd never do it again, there was no reason to share with your partner about the unfaithfulness.

Although I kind of, sort of, get what the article was getting at (why stir the pot if the issue has been resolved already?), why would any relationship 'expert' tell people that betraying their partner was acceptable behavior? Sure, coming forward might end the dating relationship, but it might also strengthen things after the initial shock. In fact, I know of several folks whose relationships were better off after having been cheated on, serving as a wake up call to all parties with regards to what wasn't working.

Which isn't to say I condone cheating, or that I feel cheating is a good thing for a relationship - I most definitely do not. But I know I'd much rather know if my partner had betrayed me than be left in the dark, so I could (at the very least) make an informed decision about my next step.

But what about you? Do you think that its ok not to tell your partner that you cheated, especially if you've learned from the experience and it will never happen again? Or, if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to tell you?

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